I have become the master of not letting anyone see my true feelings. I even stopped sharing how I am with my closest friends. I think I just plain feel bad for always venting about my life. Sometimes I will go around the table and will ask an endless stream of questions to everyone else just to avoid the subject of me. Inevitably one of them will call me out on it. “So Jenni, what’s going on with you”? Cue the tears.
I am learning it’s not healthy to stuff my feelings away. My body feels it. I think my anger and sadness show up as pains all over my body. Being in a constant on edge state. With all my muscles tensed all the time, pain shows up in the craziest ways. My back is killing me. I get massive headaches. My eyesight is done at the end of the day. All because I won’t let go of these feelings inside of me.
Have you ever noticed how everyone on the design shows always seem so happy? I think I figured out the secret. Sledge hammer therapy! They start out with a mess of a house. Then they get to take a sledgehammer to it. What emerges is a new beautiful space. I am the mess before the sledgehammer. It’s time I start knocking down these walls and throw out the junk I’ve been clinging to. It’s time to build something new.
So why not start with an actual sledgehammer? This is what I did. I had these shelves that I have been wanting to tear down for a long time. I had a sledgehammer. It was go time! I have to say it was awesome! With every blow and crack of the wood I could feel my body let go. I can’t remember everything I said but with every swing I let go of a piece of my hurts. Crack! Why did you have to die?! Crack! Why do I have to be alone?! Boom! why…Why…WHY?! It seemed like seconds went by and I had all the shelves knocked off the wall. As the broken pieces headed out the door so did some of my brokenness.
Clean house! This is the stage I am at now. I need to stop shoving my mess into the hidden spaces and deal with it head on. Then take it out with the trash. I know I will be whole again. I’m looking forward to who this new me will be. I can’t wait for the final reveal. Until then, I will Purposely keep knocking away at the walls I’ve built around me. I can see them for what they are now. The walls aren’t a protection. They are a prison of my own making. I want to be free! (this would be a good time to play I want to break free by Queen)
I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with an unfailing kindness
I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt
Again you will take up you tambourine
And dance in the street with the joyful