Almost

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As I was walking today my head was swirling with so many questions. Mostly “what the heck am I supposed to be doing with my life?!” Every thing I thought I was going to do and where I would be are no longer an option. Losing Donald has changed everything. Plans we made together are no longer something I want to do especially alone. I think another reason this is weighing so heavy on my mind is I’m about to become an empty nester. My son will be moving soon and my daughter will be graduating and going away to school. Even the dogs are in the 100’s in people years. I’m facing a chapter I never imagined, doing this thing called life … with just me.

Who am I? I have ALMOST been so many things.  I’ve tried inventing who I was so many times but always fell short of the finish line so many times.  I would just get stuck. I could almost touch the success but fear would freeze me in my tracks.

I bought canvas and paint. I envisioned paintings in my head. But never touched a single canvas. The brushes remained as new as the day I bought them.

I am almost an artist.

I talked Donald into buying me the top of the line camera with HD video capabilities. There are pictures that are yet to be taken. Video stories dance around in my thoughts but that is where they remain… while the camera gathers dust.

I am almost a photographer.

My house tells the story of my almost life. Piles of projects lay around that were never completed. Closets and cabinets conceal items that haven’t even been thought of for years. I will start to clean out a closet and always seems to run out of gas for the last few items (it would literally take 30 minutes to finish) but yet I will pile those things up against the wall to sit for months.

I am almost organized.

I believe God is revealing to me what this fear is. What has me stuck. I know this seems so strange but I think it’s the fear of success. Of actually becoming what I set out to be. When I was in my twenties I went on a cruise and back then they had skeet shooting off the side of the ship. This is where you shoot a shotgun at flying discs and try to hit them. They gave us 8 tries to hit these discs.  I stood ready to shoot and I yelled pull and bam! I nailed the first disc. Bam! Same thing with the second disc. Bam! Bam! Hit the 3rd and 4th disc. It was as this moment I became very aware that a crowd had gathered to watch me. This overwhelming feeling of dread came over me and I didn’t want to be the center of attention. Instead of just enjoying the success I just shut down. I missed the last 4 shots. I listened to “that voice”!

I believe Satan is constantly whispering into us that we are not good enough. He whispers just subtle enough to think this is our own voice. He wants to shut us down so we can’t be the success God created us for. We have to be extra careful he doesn’t use us to shut others down either. We need to be an encourager to others. I would hate to think I had a part in shutting someone down before they became the person God created them to be.

All my life I have been “Almost Jenni”. I’ve listened to the voices from others and in my own head telling me I’m not good enough. But now I will focus only on one voice. God’s voice. I will be the Jenni he created me to be. I will stop running in the opposite direction he is asking me to go. In fact writing this is a huge victory for me. God is asking me to write and I keep running from it. Each word that spills out onto this page is a step to becoming ME!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Heavenly Father-    Thank you for making me to be Jenni! Help me to lay my fears at your feet and just run to you. Let the only voice I hear be yours. Help me to obey what you are asking of me. Help me to bury this almost life and really live!! Thank you for staying with me always even when I run away. You are a good and loving Father! Help those who are stuck in fear to come to you and find the strength to lay their fears at your feet!  In Jesus name Amen!